I was getting something out of the pantry yesterday when I saw one of Madeline's old pacifiers. She has long since kicked the habit. (yay!) However, for some reason I just can't throw that one out. I have one of her newborn orange pacifiers in her baby box. (I know, it sounds gross but it's not, I sterilized it before I saved it in a little bag.) It was SO MUCH a part of her newborn life I can't imagine not saving it. But I digress.... This one in the pantry is in no way special or symbolic. It's just there. It's one of the many places we put spares so that we could always whip one out when we needed to.
Every time I get something out of the pantry I see it and every time I say the same thing to myself. "I have GOT to throw that away!" (Yes, I even use that bad grammar because I am so passionate about tossing the dummy.) And every time I close the pantry door and do nothing.
It's not that I'm lazy. It's sort of an Object Placement (OP) issue. I was talking about this with a friend recently (Emily - was that you?) about how bad I am with OP. I delude myself into thinking that if I cannot see something, it doesn't exist. If I don't acknowledge something's presence, it will not affect my life.
Yes I know this is ridiculous.
I guess I feel like if I don't move the pacifier then she can't grow up. It'll always be there - just in case. I know she'd never use it again - I know she won't have a meltdown that will require the pacifier again, she doesn't have the sucking need she did as a newborn, but - I just feel better knowing it's there. My little baby's paci.
I've got to get over this. I've got to let my little baby grow up. The other day a little child in the library said to his mom, "Hey look Mom - a toddler!" and pointed at Madeline.
I almost cried.
She is a toddler - she is actually, bonified-ly toddling! But, I ache so much for my little one. I love the age she is right now. She can communicate many of her wants and needs - we can play together - but the bubble I can keep around her gets a little smaller every day. I have no choice. It's truly heartbreaking to let go a little every day. I wonder if this feeling ever subsides, if I ever won't wish for her to be little again...
They don't put this stuff in the parenting books.
2 comments:
I understand, even though I don't have kids of my own. It's just a way to hang on a little longer.
K
I'm sure when you're a retired woman cruising around the world, you won't long for the days of old! They are precious times and ones I will never forget. However, I also see our jobs as parents to raise wonderfully indepedent children (adults) who will continue to expand our world and make it a more enjoyable place. I also look forward to my days of being a grandma when I can "give" the kids back at night! I feel myself getting nostalgic even now about Gabby growing up, but it will definitely be much harder when the last child in our family (someday) hits those milestones because those will be the last times I will have a baby turn 1, the last times to rock them to sleep, etc. :(
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